To Have Loved and Lost

It was the day I had been looking forward to yet seriously dreading for the past few months. I honestly don’t really remember that day very well. I’m not sure what I did, ate, or anything of that matter. That night, on the other hand, is very vivid in my mind.

I had plans to hang out with the guy I had been seeing for the past nine months. The doorbell rang three minutes before he said he would be there, but I was ready and excited about our evening out together. I smiled as I opened the door to see his beautiful face and looked into his gorgeous green eyes. He hugged me and came in and talked to my parents for a few minutes even though I was ready to leave and have some alone time.

“It was the polite thing to do,” he said.

Finally, it was time to leave. He opened the light blue Cadillac CTS passenger door, and I climbed in. We went to a nice restaurant called The Winter Garden, and sat down to a candle lit dinner. We hadn’t actually been out to do something nice on our own in a while, and it was nice to be “alone together” even though we were in a restaurant with several other people. Our waiter came to take our order and even though my date could have told him exactly what I wanted, he let me order a water and shrimp alfredo and just smiled as if to say, “you’re so predictable” since I always ordered some kind of alfredo. He ordered water, which was predictable, and chicken alfredo which I would have never guessed since he always changed up what he ordered. He wasn’t nearly as predictable as I was, but in my opinion that was part of the reason our relationship worked as well as it did. He kept me on my toes, and I loved it.

Our food came out as the live band started to play music. Halfway through our dinner a slow song came on, and he asked me to dance. We had never danced together, not once in the entire nine months that we were together. As the band played “For the Good Times” we danced, and I gazed into his soft eyes and realized that in that moment I was happier than I could ever remember being. I wanted to freeze time and spend forever in that moment, but I knew I couldn’t do that, and it hurt because I also knew that I wouldn’t have another moment like the one I was having for a long time.

The next morning I was supposed to be leaving for college nine hours away, and I had no clue what would happen to us after I left. Would we try to make things work or would we grow apart and never speak to each other again? I forced those thoughts out of my mind as we shared the most amazing chocolate cheesecake and an order of delicious tiramisu, which I had never tried before. As the desserts melted in my mouth, I made sure I didn’t think about the negative things. On my last night at home, all I wanted to do was be happy with this amazing man that I had only one more guaranteed night with.

Time flew by, and before I knew it, it was time for me to go home. He drove me home and when we arrived there he came into the house with me. After making our presence known so my parents wouldn’t worry, we sat on the couch hand in hand watching House, one of our favorite shows to watch together. We sat there for what seemed like an extremely short period of time and all too soon he said, “I need to be going. You have to drive a long way tomorrow, and you need to get some sleep so you won’t be tired.” I didn’t want to let him go, but we walked out onto the screened-in front porch of my house anyway. As he went to leave I asked him to stay with me for a little while longer. I practically begged him to stay until uncontrollable tears fell from my eyes. I felt as though I was having to say goodbye forever, and my heart was breaking into a trillion tiny pieces. It was the most horrific feeling ever. I hated watching him leave even when I knew I’d see him the next day, but this feeling, the uncertainty of whether or not I’d ever see him again, was unbearable. I stood there pulled into his chest, and cried on his shoulder as he held me tight.

I continually tried to stop the sobs and repeatedly failed. After what seemed like an eternity of crying, the man of my dreams took me inside and put me into my bed. I continued to ball my eyes out as I lay in my bed. He stood at my bedside, and his presence was enough for me. It was all I really wanted.
It had been nine months since the start of our relationship, nine long yet amazingly short months, and things weren’t supposed to be the way they were in that moment.

“I wasn’t supposed to be able to fall in love with you!” I said through tears as my voice cracked. “I wasn’t supposed to be able to fall in love with you.”

I wasn’t supposed to, but I did and the pain of the doubt that things would ever be the same was excruciating as I sobbed. He had been standing there at my bedside for what seemed like at least an hour. He promised to come see me in the morning before I left, and I could finally control my tears. There was at least one more time for me to see him and be held in his muscular arms as he hugged me. One more guarantee of slight happiness.He and I talked for a little while longer, and he kissed me goodbye for the night.

The night seemed to pass by extremely slowly. I tossed and turned in bed trying to get some sleep, but I couldn’t succeed at the task. Everything was going through my mind. There were so many uncertainties, and so much to wonder. What would the future hold for me? I had no idea, and I was like a small child trapped in a nightmare—helpless and afraid.

I finally fell asleep, and the morning arrived very shortly afterwards. The love of my life arrived at my house as he said he would to see me off. The two of us sat down in the dining room with my parents and my fourteen-year-old sister. We all discussed my future, and they all seemed assured that I would do great at Western Kentucky University, the place I had signed myself away to when I accepted my softball scholarship. The only thing I was certain of on the other hand was the fact that I would miss every single person sitting in that room with me.

It was time to leave even though I didn’t want to go quite yet. We walked out to the front yard. My little packed Scion tC sat in the driveway awaiting my departure. As I received the last kiss from the most amazing man that I would ever be sure of, I desperately wanted to stay and not leave for college, but I knew that I had to leave otherwise I would regret it.

“I meant everything I said last night,” I told him.

“I did too,” he said.

“I don’t like the ‘L’ word,” I said. “It scares me.”

“I don’t like it either. It’s ok.”

“Well, I ‘L’ word you,” I said with a grin.

“And I heart you,” he told me with a smile which made me grin even harder.

We both laughed at the childish comments that were made, and it felt good to laugh in the last moments of being with him. Neither of us wanted to cry so it definitely beat that.

I climbed in my Scion and drove away, leaving behind the only man that I have ever loved besides my father, and although it felt so wrong, it didn’t seem that awful. There seemed to be some hope for the two of us and even a little more hope for my future. I had never believed in a love so strong that it would last through anything, but in that moment, whether it was out of pure desire for something like that fairytale ending or something else, I felt as though there was such a thing as true love always.

Nine hours later I arrived at the Western Kentucky University campus. It was where I would be for the next four years. It was my new home, and surprisingly I liked it even more this time than the last two times I visited. I settled into my room, getting everything unpacked, and met my roommate who was also a softball player. Some of the other freshman girls on the softball team were also on our floor. I met them all, and somehow, by pure luck I guess, we all got along well. It was really nice because now I at least somewhat knew some people.

The next week, Master Plan week, was fun. It was the week before classes started when a majority of the incoming freshmen came in to meet new people and get to know the campus. I met a ridiculous amount of people that week, and every one of them was kind and welcoming. I met all the girls on my floor that week, and made some friends that would last forever. Western was a place that I was starting to feel comfortable in, and I enjoyed that comfort as much as I was starting to enjoy the school.

It’s been about a month and a half, and I’m still here at Western. Even though at times I wish I was home with my family and the most amazing man I’ve ever known, I can’t imagine myself anywhere else. I find myself enjoying my time here rather than disliking it more every day. I’m chasing my dream of playing Division I softball, and I’m glad none of the people I love asked me to give that up for them. I still keep in touch with all of them even though it’s hard to do sometimes because of my crazy schedule, but every time I talk to them it brightens my day and gives me hope for the next. I keep taking it one day at a time, and although I still don’t know what my future holds, I do know that no matter what, the people I love will always be there to support me.


by:Kimi Wagner